Tranformers: Revenge on my Wallet - 07-01-2009
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen sucked. It sucked in ways that the original didn't. Why?
- The plot was summed up twice during the movie, once at the beginning by Optimus Prime and then halfway through the movie by Jetfire. The rest of the movie had no plot. So, for a two hour thirty minute movie, the plot consisted of about five minutes.
- The acting was horrible. This has to be the worst blockbuster cast of all time. Shia Labeouf is horrible. All he does is scream and talk fast throughout the chaos. His college roomate (actor Ramon Rodriguez) is absolutely terrible. And, sadly, John Turturro, who had a terrific career before the Transformers series, is complete garbage (thanks for that terrible shot of your naked backside, by the way). They even find a way to completely screw up two of the main robots in the film, twins Skids and Mudflap. They are two potty mouthed adolescents that have no purpose in the flick other than to get a few (bad) laughs from pre-teens.
- The dialogue was the worst in a movie, ever. And I mean ever. Bad writing produces completely ridiculous lines, and this movie was full of them. From the terrible "no, you tell me you love me first" bickering to the completely absurd and raunchy mother to the speed-mouthed Latin college roommate (I'm not sure who gets a line out faster, him or Shia), the bantering in the movie makes you want to walk out the door.
- I heard warnings against taking kids to this movie for sexual content, but the real killer was the language. I believe every foul word with the exception of 'f' was there, and dick and fart jokes were the norm in this movie. Now I'm OK with dick and fart jokes when they're funny, but these jokes are positioned to make 5 year olds laugh. And trust me, no 5 year old should be seeing this movie. I guess the 13-14 year old crowd will think it's 'cool', but frankly I believe much of the raunchy behavior was too simplistic for them.
- The robots aren't used enough. Earth to Michael Bay: PUT THE ROBOTS IN EVERY SCENE! We don't need the terrible actors mucking this flick up. Use the Autobots (which, spare Optimus, Bumblebee, and Jetfire, are rarely seen) more. Explain who they are. Go deeper into the characters and lore. And as for the Decepticons, which were used well in the movie, add to their depth. Soundwave was reduced to a satellite in orbit! Scorponok, who was a big baddie in the first movie, was reduced to about 5 seconds of action time in this movie. People are paying to see these two groups battle it out on screen, and save for two big fight scenes, there wasn't a lot of battling going on.
- Earth to Michael Bay part 2: STOP USING SLOW MOTION!!! Seriously, it was old after your laughable slo-mo usage in Bad Boys 2. I swear, if you cut the slow motion out of Transformers 2, you'll have a 45 minute movie. It is used to such an abuse it's not funny. Which leads me to my point: the direction was horrible. Bay is a guy that is famous for making sucky summer blockbusters (The Island, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon), and this is no exception. This movie will go down as the biggest money-making suckfest ever.
Now to the good parts, which there were few:
- New robots - There were some great new robots in the mix, with Rampage, Soundwave (although terribly used), and Jetfire rounding out the mix. The Fallen was great, but they don't explore his background enough. Autobots Arcee, Sideswipe, Jolt are there, but are hardly used. The best newcomers are probably the Contructicons, who merge to form Devastator.
- Plot - The plot, although not completely original (part were lifted from the Marvel Comics series), was good. The Fallen brings with him some of the lore of the Transformers universe, but they could have delved deeper into it. Sadly, much of the robot history is lost in the human struggle shuffle, which is meaningless to the overall plot.
If Bay could keep the movie to the primary reasons why people go to see a Transformers movie (robots, robot plot, robot battles), then this franchise could be rescued. Sadly, with Bay at the helm, this will never happen.
I give Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen 3 out of ten spare parts.
Monday Review - Moby - 06-29-2009
Artist - Moby
Album - Wait for Me
In Moby's last effort, he took a page from his past with a collection of new dance tracks spun from the early 90's club scene. This time, Moby revisits his past again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out so well.
Wait for Me sounds like the B-side of his smash hit Play. Orchestrated tracks seem to go on and on in repetitive fashion, with overdone blues vocals bellowing on top. Songs like "Pale Horses" (which should be taken out back and shot) and "Study War" drudge on with a repetitive blues chant that will make you want to wish Moby never won accolades for this style of music. It was good in 1999, but is droll today.
Then there's the stuff that seemingly stemmed from his clunker album, Animal Rights. Tracks like "Shot in the Back of the Head", "Walk With Me", "A Seated Night" and "Scream Pilots" all roll on without a point or direction. Yes, some will say this is classical and brilliant work, but I say it's a poor excuse for a release. Chord transitions do not make a song. In fact, the last five tracks run on with such audacity and pointlessness that they are not really even worth listening to.
Moby desperately tries to tie things together with blips and blips like "Stock Radio", "JLTF 1", and "Division, but all they do is add unnecessary noise to seemingly careless tracks.
The only saving grace is "Mistake", sung by Moby himself. Reminiscent of Hotel, the track is the only song worth downloading on the album. "JLTF" isn't bad, but after a few listens it just doesn't grow on you.
Overall, this album isn't worth bothering over. It's a shame, I'm a huge Moby fan, but this just doesn't cut it. If you're looking for something to fall asleep to, this might be your album. For the rest of us: Moby, we'll see you again when you're done reminiscing.
Moby - Wait for Me -
Download - "Mistake"
The Hangover - 06-10-2009
Take a little known cast, mix in a Las Vegas backdrop, and add a commercial starring Mike Tyson, and what do you get? The funniest movie of the year.That's The Hangover. It's a bachelor party movie, but you never get to see the bachelor party. Instead, you get to see the aftermath, and with that aftermath is so much to enjoy. The mysteries surrounding the fellas as they wake up the morning after a hazy night in Las Vegas keeps you (and them) on your toes. What could they have possibly done? Can their tale get any more absurd?
The comedic events are hilarious, and the lines are terrific. The character portrayed by Zach Galifianakis (say that three times fast) is reason alone to watch this movie. His character is an enigma, and his nonsensical lines drive the comedy. The baby scenes are great. The gangsters are funny. Hell, even Mike Tyson is good in this film. The street talk and positive word of mouth this movie has received made it number one last weekend. And there's a reason for it.
This is a must-see comedy. I give it an eight out of ten casino card dealers.
Monday Music Review - Dave Matthews Band - 06-02-2009
Artist - Dave Matthews Band
Album - Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King
After four long years, the band returns to form with a new LP that should tantalize the hordes of fans, and should add to an already impressive live performance.
The album opens with "Grux", a long saxophone jam that moves right into the first vocal track "Shake Me Like a Monkey". With the introduction of the first two tracks, there's a feeling that DMB is taking a 'Big Easy' approach to this album, with heavy sax intro's, funky beats, and a bluesy feel. But the album is extremely diverse, moving from themes and styles prevalent in the entire Dave Matthews Band discography.
In the song "Funny the Way It Is" the band channels their best Alanis ("isn't it ironic?"). It's the first single off the album, and the chorus is extremely catchy. Speaking of Alanis, the song seems lifted from the album that had an Alanis duet, Before These Crowded Streets. It's an already classic Dave track, and has all the elements of a DMB song to make it compelling. "Squirm" also takes the BTCS path, with a strange (but cool) snake charmer appeal. This is classic Dave Matthews Band.
"Why I Am" revisits the themes that "Shake Me Like a Monkey" brings. Singing about drinking big whiskey and "dancing with the GrooGrux King", Matthews contemplates the afterlife, ghosts, and religion. The GrooGrux King is, in fact, former saxophist LeRoi Moore, who passed away last year, and much of the album keys in on life and death. Religion is also a key theme in the album, reverberating in "Spaceman" and "Time Bomb". The latter is a very different DMB song, with extremely dark and foreboding undertones. The song starts off fairly acoustic in nature, and transforms into a hard rock track with Matthews screaming "I wanna believe in Jesus". Strong stuff.
There's a lot of Dave's solo album here. "Lying in the Hands of God" and "You & Me". In fact, "You & Me" might be one of DMB's best love songs ever. It's uplifting and as a closing song, it brings a little positive hope to the overall moderately depressing album. The addition of guitarist and friend Tim Reynolds on the album is also apparent, as he goes off in a number of the tracks. The man has skills. Just listen to "Alligator Pie", with all the guitar plucking and strumming, and you know why he's on this album.
Overall, the album doesn't push the envelope with new experiences. More like a comfortable old sweater, Dave & crew are happy with their musical styling, and expect their fans are too.
Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King -
Download - "Funny the Way It Is", "Alligator Pie", "Squirm", "Time Bomb"
